from Noir Books


Warning: Contains Spoilers for my books

I was shocked when people thought I was okay after my first book. Maybe that’s because I didn’t tell the story of the things that went on in the first 15 years and that my mother leaving, jail, violence, and my sister's death were the final chapters, not the beginning.

I would say I’ve spent my life as a destroyed person. I’ve never had a real motivation to be here on earth. I work on myself constantly, trying to excise the deep pain in my soul that never leaves.

At this point, now in my 50s, I am doubtful it ever will go away. I will never get the life that I wanted or dreamed about. It was simply not achievable considering my wounds, losses, and traumas. Not everyone gets a happy ending and the vast majority of people like me are not even alive. 

My mother's best friend's kids are both dead. One was murdered by her husband, her brother committed suicide years before. My sister didn’t make it to 18. The people still here with a background like mine are mostly addicts, mentally ill, alcoholics, prisoners, and/or homeless. Statistically everything I just listed was my predicted fate.

In that way, I have no peers. The people I relate most to, that are my tribe, are not here. In this ‘other world’ I try to inhabit, I am a pariah based on my past. I certainly don't fit in with academics, I never finished the 10th grade. Because of my deep compassion born out of suffering, I don't relate to most of the rural people where I live, who complain about the extremely poor getting food stamps, abortion, foreigners, or “the Jews”.

In my third book, I explain what went before, during those 15 years. I’m sure it will give you more insight although in reality the short list I made above of what I went through as a teenager could completely destroy any person. I was way too young and it was far too much to bear. If you read between the lines of my first book it is totally clear that I was not parented. Very few people survive that.

Things don’t usually turn out well for people raised by dealers, thieves, scammers, sociopaths, and the mentally ill. If they themselves are not those things then predators are constantly scoping them out. No one is better prey than the abused and abandoned.