The Last Diary

My final memoir opens in January 1999 with my father's suicide. 

Having spent the last couple of years in North Carolina working, I rushed back to upstate New York where my family curse descends, and I doubt I’ll ever get free.

I join a community based on dance which is lovely. I have the support of very good friends. But I am quickly lured into the dark underbelly that haunts every social circle. 

Animals predate other animals for food, to stay alive. Humans predate humans, not for food, but for the thrill of torturing another person.

People like me, who were unmothered, are particularly vulnerable to the many forms these predators take, such as doctors, priests, lawyers, producers, and charlatans leading cults.

After my father’s suicide I essentially had a nervous breakdown. And my desire to kill myself was stronger than it has ever been.

Soon, I am pulled into the twisted world of a rogue, thinking I've been rescued by an angel. Things get stranger as I join a polyamorous scene with a surface that sparkles, but below is a world filled with deceit, disloyalty, recklessness, and cruelty.

What I uncover by the end is shocking and horrible, but I finally understand what I'm dealing with here, in this life. 

 Human predators. Evil. Pure evil.

I make the perfect prey having already been betrayed, abandoned, and abused by my family of origin, and lacking a strong will to live.

The book is filled with stories about my family and how I came to be searching the world for a home I can never find. The first 15 years of my life could easily be an entire book by itself. But that story is not  unique; multiple homes, rageaholic mother, checked out father, alcoholic stepfather, neglect, violence, and abandonment.

All of my books are true stories. I don't know if I can write fiction. The part that is easy is that I don't have to invent the events or the characters, and dialogue is often remembered. I have a unique memory, things people say stick in my head word for word, sometimes for decades, especially if what they say is personally significant to me or has an interesting turn of phrase. 

The part that's hard is the nightmares that come with these memories. As I pull them out to write these books, I spend months barely sleeping from nightmares.

If you only knew how badly I wish my books were not true! Then I would not have to tell you about my endless mistakes and horrible choices, or reveal the complete wreckage of my life. The writer Erica Jong said, "write everything you don't want anyone to know" so that's exactly what I do. 

The truth is stranger than fiction but not wrapped up in a neat ending. Or even a happy ending.

Books are one of the things that saved my life and kept me sane, even while I was in jail. By high school, I intended to go to school for English and become a writer so I could live immersed in a world of books. I never got to do that but instead, I collected material from my own tragic life and turned it into these memoirs.  

from Noir Books

Book Three

5-4-22 update

My third book is untitled. I wait until I complete a book to title it. My book will be finished in about two months but will need some time to come to market. Like my other books, I give it to arts lawyers to review as part of the publishing process.

It’s been ten years since I published my first book. I know that’s a long time and I apologize to my readers. These books are hard to write. But I'm excited and anxious to get you the final installment.

Book Three Cover Photo

Me at age thirty-five