About Me

from Noir Books

Warning: Contains Spoilers for my books

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People often ask how my life has been since I was a teen. I'd like to summarize it for you, but it is not so simple. I never married, I never even came close to marriage. I never went to college. I never regained a passion for life but spent most of my life hoping it would be over soon. I was one of a few juvenile delinquents who was scared straight by a stint in jail. I quickly learned that life in jail was not anything I wanted or was willing to risk. When I became a teenage drug queen, I had no idea of the risks I was taking. I was simply self-destructive, lost, hurting, addicted to alcohol, and just plain stupid.

I still feel guilt over those days. I'll probably feel it until the day I die. Self-forgiveness is a long process, a lifelong process. There are days I accept that I was a very messed up teenager and that I had no idea what I was doing. There are other days I still feel responsible for Seely's death, and I don't know how I can live another moment with that burden. And there is the guilt over all the other people who I unwittingly hurt.

I have spent my entire adult life in therapy, and I feel that helps tremendously. I had to learn everything my parents didn't teach me. I had to learn how to function in the real world, not that imaginary world that dealers inhabit; a world where they are seemingly invincible superstars, yet ultimately they self-destruct.

I've spent my adult life doing volunteer work. I’ve worked with the hungry, the homeless, veterans, and the elderly. Volunteering helps me feel a bit better and more hopeful about the world.

I've developed a strong spiritual foundation. Prayer and service are part of my routine every day. I have deepened my spiritual practices over the years and became a calmer person with more inner peace, and in some ways, I represent the cliché of 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.'

I didn't find out Armando got out the easy way until I wrote the book. I was devastated to find out he hadn’t been imprisoned. I sat in jail not talking about him yet the minute he was caught he snitched on others and put them in prison without compunction. If I knew then what I know now, I would have turned on him. My sister could very well still be alive. I followed a code of honor that no one else seemed to follow. I felt it was my duty to take the punishment for the crimes I committed and not drag other people down. Looking back, I can see that my loyalties were insane.

I never regretted leaving the life of a drug dealer behind. Those were dark days where I drank heavily on a daily basis. I hurt all the time and often cried myself to sleep. I was always afraid, but at the time, I saw no way out.

After Seely had died, I got into computers, and I liked my work. I didn't miss the fear, the stress, and the backstabbing of the street. I didn’t miss the petty life I had led, filled with gossip, drama, and worthless pursuits. I thank God every day I got out of that life, and I owe all of that to my poor sister. Her death changed my life dramatically.

There are many things I wish were different, but the one that haunts me most is that I wish I could trade places with Seely. That was my seat in the car, the front passenger seat. She took a ride one time, and it's simply not fair. That's my biggest regret, that I got out alive and she did not. That’s what I tear my heart out over daily. I don’t care about anything I left behind except for my little sister.

I live in a beautiful place, surrounded by nature, with my dogs. No one is abusing me or hurting me in any physical way, and I certainly am not in any danger of being arrested or having my world turned upside down. But I never completely escaped my past. I live every day without my sister, the person I imagine would be the closest person to me on earth. I live with a great many unbearable losses, including my father's suicide. 

I have always been a reclusive type. I tend to spend the majority of my time alone, which is ultimately good for writing books as well as poems, one of my great loves. 


 

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